Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
