So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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