when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
