I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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