so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
