you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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