the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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