My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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