I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
