when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
