when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
