I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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