This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
