i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
