What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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