woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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