You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
