Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
