i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
