When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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