you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
