she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
