My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
