im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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