Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
