My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
