At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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