I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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