I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
