and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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