If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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