so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
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Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
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I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
His nipple licking is glorious
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