our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm too high and old for this...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
