i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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