I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
