Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
