he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
