saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
