I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
