Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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