I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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