You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
