the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
