i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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