I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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