does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
