I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
