god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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