In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
