i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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