Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
