How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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