She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
